Missing Beauty

This morning I got up, finally committed to grab my video camera and get some morning shots around my apartment complex. I showered and dressed more quickly than usual, hoping to provide myself with extra time to shoot.

As I grabbed a drink, I looked out the kitchen window to the fence below, where each morning I had been greeted with a wall of vibrant morning glories.

They were gone.

I don't know when it happened, but they were totally absent, only a few dead strands of vine were left clinging to the trellis.

My enthusiasm was dead, my heart sank. Who would take something so beautiful and destroy it? It was perfect the way it was, or at the very least, not in anyone's way.

-----

After driving up to Utah last-minute on Sunday, I spent a late night, driving to get home for church Sunday morning. I was excited, ready to feel the spirit come into my heart, and lift me, sustain me, for one more week. I wanted to sing the hymns, to fellowship with some friends I've made, and to feel closer to Him.

When I arrived, I was greeted with a letter from the Prophet and his councilors, that in effect commanded California LDS to vote to support the Constitutional amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman. It was, in fact, a call to arms.

My spirit was gone.

I had always thought the church was better than that. If fact, the week before I'd commented to someone that "The Mormon Church is different, we don't have a political agenda ... the church doesn't tell us how to vote, they tell us to pray and make a decision based on what the spirit tells us is best for the country and church--we believe in agency."

To me, the issue is one of law. First, we must understand that marriage is an institution created by religion (or God, depending on your perspective.) Not an invention of the state. It was only in the last century that the state began requiring "Marriage Licenses"--prior to the US Civil war, NO ONE had a marriage license. The marriage license was invented after the civil war so that the states could try and prevent and regulate interracial marriage

Even if marriage is not defined by the state, what does it matter to the church? No one will be forced to perform a same-sex ceremony. That would be a clear violation of Congress's prohibition to "...make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof".

My testimony was severely damaged that day. Not my testimony of God's love, or even of the Scriptures, but my faith in the divine guidance of the church and it's leaders. But it shouldn't be--I should have known this would happen, if I'd done my research. I called and spoke to my father about it, and he said the church has issued call-to-arms type letters on many issues in the past--including fighting against equal rights provisions that would make men and women equal under the law.

Sometimes I wish I could create an eloquent ending to this post, but I'm left dumb. I don't know what to say. I realize that the parallel of the flowers is a bit weak, but I felt that it would help you understand a 1/100th of what I'm feeling right now.

I have to get to work. God, please forgive me.

A little bit annoyed... (Previously known as WHAT THE F#CK?!?)

So THE FIRST DAY I arrived in Los Angeles (May 22nd) I looked at an apartment at 5301 Cahuenga Blvd. I loved it, the price was right, and I put in my application. Well here I am TWENTY ONE DAYS LATER, and I'm still not able to move in. Despite the fact that I initiated my application on Tuesday, May 27th.

The latest debacle comes from the fact that since Dad co-signed my lease, he had to sign before I would be able to take possession of the keys. Well, they didn't fax him the application on Wednesday until after the UPS pickup for the day, so he overnighted it on Thursday. However, it was placed in a "ground" envelope with overnight stickers all over it. So it's not scheduled to arrive until monday.

In other words, they probably won't give us the keys today, which means that we'll have to be at Danny's all weekend, AGAIN, unable to move in--

What I don't understand is this: Is God telling me that this apartment is WRONG for me, and that's why he's trying to get me slowed down and frustrated so that I move somewhere else?

Or is God trying to test my diligence and faith that it'll all work out before allowing me to get into the unit?

I'm praying it's the latter.

I'm going to call the California Real Estate Service and ask them if they will let us take the keys anyway--because if not, they have to deduct the days of rent we are paying when we don't have possession of the unit.

Pray that they will be trusting and understanding and just give me the friggin' keys..

Is This Really Happening?

I'm back in The City Of Angels...Los Angeles--and I'm not sure how I feel.  On the one hand, I'm nervous because I am doing two weeks of Freelance with Wiser Post that might turn into a full time position--but on the other hand, I'm not sure yet if I want to work for them.  I used to edit a lot and lately it's been somewhat on the back-burner.  If my goal really truly is to edit feature films, then what is the path I should take?  If only I knew...

I'm also nervous about this apartment for which I'm applying.  Since I cannot provide proof of income (being essentially jobless), I've needed to get my Dad to co-sign the loan.  I'm nervous because he was bankrupt years ago, and I'm not sure he'll qualify with enough income to support the apartment.  Plus, I'm not sure what my roommate Joe's credit is like.  He did buy a used car recently and got it financed--and since then he's never missed a payment, so I imagine it must be fairly decent.  Either way, I want my own place ASAP--I'm tired of staying on Danny Zack's couch, nice as it is to hang out with him.

Plus, you should see this apartment.  For the price, it is AMAZING.  I love it so much, I felt really good energy off of it when visiting, whereas every alternate apartment I've viewed has left me feeling dissapointed.  This place is bright, clean and airy--the complex and grounds are very nice, and it just feels like a real home.

Tonight I'm going to home, and Joe will be there--he's finally arrived in Los Angeles.  It should be good to see him.  See you all tomorrow!

Peace In A Sea Of Depravity: An Abridged Journal Entry

I felt it might be appropriate to share with you a recent abridged and in some places paraphrased journal entry of mine.

3/30/08
Dear Journal,

I am currently sitting next to a Sept 11th Memorial on Cahuenga Peak. It is a most amazing spot and my soul sings to be here. I'm looking out over Hollywood Resevoir and Los Angeles, with Burbank and the San Fernando Valley behind me.

Today was fast and testimony meeting at church. I bore my testimony of God's love and how he has changed my life. Sometimes I want to scream to everyone about my struggles, but that won't fix them.

Father, I really know and feel your love. Please guide me in what I must do to become what you have in mind for me. Help me enhance my spiritual and physical and creative goals. Help me to fight daily temptations. Help me understand the meanings and purposes of my relationships with others.

The weather here has been beautiful and I am so grateful to be here living my dream. You know I've filled half this journal in nine months, though I've owned this journal for SEVEN YEARS? I am excited to finish it and begin a new book--I pray that the new book will be full of joyous reflection and gratitude instead of pain, sorrow and regret.

I'm thankful for: tall mountains, level plains, my voice, my mind, my head, hands and feet. The gospel of Jesus Christ and the joy that I feel when I am in church. I'm thankful for Bishop O'Laughlin--a man who probably saved my life, and most definitely my soul. I'm thankful for my trials because they shape me into the man I know I will be.

At this moment, I feel at peace. My mind is clear, my heart is full, and the air is clear and cool.

I can't ask for much more.

--

What do you think of that? Don't you wish you could feel that--in a sea of civilization, the great city of angels, a sea of buildings, pollution and depravity--that you could feel peace?

Hope I struggle to hold on to that feeling as I move through the week. If I could feel like that every minute, I know my life would be so different. But I am mortal and weak.

I have changed so much in the last year that I hardly recognize myself sometimes. There is always room to grow, to change, and to decide what you want to be. My attitude is better, and I am making plans to change my disempowering beliefs, my addictions and weeknesses.

Isn't life awesome?

The Price Is Right!

I'm just going to come right out and say it:

I was a contestant on the Price is Right today! The show will air on April 18th, 2008 at 10am in Los Angeles on CBS!

I did not get on the showcase showdown, but I did win a 6-night stay in a lodge at Yosemite National Park with air-fare and car rental included! I $3,500 dollar value!!!

Basically, it's the most amazing experience to be on the show--I shook Drew Carey's hand!

LA Update

I've now been in Los Angeles for about three weeks, and let me tell you, it has been quite a ride so far. I don't even really know where or how to begin.

I moved into my Oakwood Apartment on the 15th of December, spending the first few days outfitting the kitchen with food and supplies, while running around LA interviewing for internships. The Oakwood apartments are nice, but it is sometimes frustrating because everything the Oakwoods says seems to be a lie (I'm not sure that it's malicious... maybe just ignorance) and that we are basically paying 5,000 dollars a month to live in an apartment that couldn't possibly be more than 2,500 a month. Emerson College, just what are you skimming off the top? Your LA program is probably a cash cow for you.

Anyway, I'm really enjoying being out here, though I obviously miss all my friends in Maine, Virginia, Boston, etc. When I got here, I was able to get a little bit of assistant editing work from Incited Media. Aaron Galles, the Senior Producer of Speechless from my Freshman year at Emerson College works there and paid me to digitize a bunch of footage. It might be a re-ocurring opportunity as well, which is great.

I decided to go with the internship at Partizan Entertainment, which has been fun, but very slow so far. Since they are a production company, and there isn't very much production happening right now, I can't seem to occupy myself all day. Which is partially why I am writing this blog post right now.

Being three hours behind everyone back east is really weird too. It's after 9pm on the east coast, so I can't even call people when I get out of work. At the same time, though, I've been so busy that I haven't really had much time these last few weeks. I've been trying to get settled into a healthy routine so I can start working on my own projects and making sure everything runs smoothly.

What else? I've started to get to know Burbank and West Hollywood pretty well, but I don't drive the freeways much since my internship is so close. I've reconnected with Seth Donald, my couch-surfing friend from this summer, which was totally cool. I've also talked on the phone with Mike Jittlov, creator of the Wizard of Speed and Time, on the phone, and I'll soon meet him in person!

My home ward in studio city is really awesome, I feel very comfortable there, and welcome. I've also met a comedic film editor who goes to the ward, and I've getting to know him! It's very exciting since he's basically doing what I want to be doing.

Its really amazing to think I am almost done with college and entering the real world. SCARY, actually. Pretty soon I've truly be in the rat race, paying off bills, schmoozing and trying to make my way. I pray that the AMPTP and the WGA can come to an agreement. Then it might not be so slim in this town.

Anyway, I love you all and miss you so much. Take care and send me all your love and positive energy so I can rock this town!

A Quick Note...

People have often talked about "The Changing Face of Emerson College" --regarding the 'new' type of student that Emerson accepts.

I always used to say it was poppy-cock, but today I realized it must be true--because in previous years there would be many windows decorated with Christmas lights, but tonight I only counted FOUR ROOMS with visible Christmas lights (including my room), in a building with almost 750 students.

Emerson students are creative, fun people, but I guess the new Emerson students don't have time to be festive. Oh well.