Saturday, November 26, 2005

Film One Final In The Can

Well, the film one final is finally in the can. After coming up with my idea on Wednesday afternoon, storyboarding that night, chilling out ot Thanksgiving and then filming on Friday and Saturday for a total of about six hours and three rolls of film (about 7 minutes worth of film)

And here comes the headache...

(I am willing to bet that my brother is the only one who will get that movie reference--let me know if anyone gets it)

Anyway, I am so nervous that I will have shot something wrong or forgotten a crucial shot or peice of audio and then I will have to settle because I shot it Maine and cannot re-shoot. I am praying that it will come together well. To be honest, I am not worried about the grade that I will get, its just that I am competative, and Emerson is a school full of talented people. I would love to be able to say that my film was one of the best... but I don't know. We'll see what happens.

Anyways, I just wanted to thank Tanner for all his help and all the good times that we've been having this week... it's one of the most relaxed and fun weeks I've had since summertime.

On Friday, Tanner and I went and saw the movie "RENT" and it was awesome. I really liked it from both a cinematography/filmmaking prespective (I love the opening song sequence) but also from the musical and theatrical perspective. The movie was awesome and it made me cry. Tanner and I were speculating about when if ever another musical with such a relevant message will be made. I doubt it.

I loved the message of the film, which is summed up by some key lines: "We're not dying from disease, we're living with it" "in're what you own" (pointing out the irony of the American way of life) "I'd be happy to die for a taste of what angel had...someone who'd say 'I love you'" Basically it makes you love all the characters, in spite of their flaws and makes you feel so distressed when this aweful disease, AIDS affects their lives, and how they live on in spite of all the pain that they could be focusing on... and they still are all good individuals.

Well, I didn't mean to go on a diatribe, but the movie really touched me, and now I really want to see it again on Broadway (and again on film, too)

Oh another funny thing was that we went to see the movie right after Tanner and I had finished filming at the Fort near Portland Head Light in Cape Elizabeth, ME, and in the movie, Mark the filmmaker uses a Bolex 16mm camera, the same film camera that we had just been filming with. It was just really cool.

I head back to Boston tommorow on the 6:40 Downeaster Train. I'm basically all packed, and ready to go. I have had such a great week, and I felt like I'd wrap it up with this post...

And by the way, I am terrified of the next three weeks. It is literally going to be like hitting the ground running--and not stopping until December 20th.

But at least there are only 3 weeks of school before break! I'll try to be better about posting, but I am not going to promise on things which I cannot deliver. So there.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thanksgiving...and all that that implies

No, I'm not going to create a ginormous list of things that I am thankful for. I am going to tell you about why this is quickly becoming one of the most stressful Thanksgivings that I can remember.

I cam to Maine for break so that I could do several things--see old friends, (Tanner, Jake, Maxx,) visit with my sister, check up on my truck, and make sure it will be ready for the trek to VA in--wow--three weeks.

But so far, I have really only done one thing--get screwed and waste money. It's snowing, so I haven't been able to get any filming done, or deal with my car. The roads are so slick right now that inexperienced ol' me doesn't want to risk driving too and from Portland TWICE (that's 4 one-ways) in order to get both my truck and Sarah's car to Portland for winter storage. It's not as if I had much of a choice, because I could barely keep the truck on the road, (its very light and its is rear wheel drive.) Sarahs car was not much better, but I've got to get down to Portland tonight to spend the night at Sarah's and hang out with her before I drop her off at the airport at 8am on Friday. That all being said, I'm worried that I'm not going to get my film done in time, that I won't get my paper done, that I'll slip off the road and get into a terrible accident and not die (no, that would be too convienient) but instead have to deal with all the expenses that would occur as a result of that accident for the rest of my life (I'm a teenage male driver, remember)

But I'm thankful for my family and friends who support me in all the ways that they know how, and I'm thankful that I have a warm place to sleep in and a semi-reliable source of transportation to drive. I love the snow and it is beautiful, but I pray that it will stop snowing and be beautiful on Friday so that I can get my filming done. I also pray that when I drive to Portland tonight, it will be as safely as possible and that I will not get into an accident.

I am going to Maxx Hacket's house soon to imbibe myself with turkey before passing out in a stuper induced by the stress of it all and the fact that my stomach is working overtime to process all of the food I've consumed. Oh well.

And by the way--WAL-MART AND MCDONALDS ARE LIARS! The only bastion of truth in this town is Denny's the only truly 24 hour a day, 7 days a week establishment in town. McDonalds and Wal-mart CLOSED last night! Tanner and I were forced to eat at Denny's by default!

Whatever, enjoy your bird, wish me luck/pray for me, whichever is your style.

Friday, November 18, 2005

I've Come To A Realization...

I've come to a realization that I am miserable because I don't know what I am anymore.

Wait, I shouldn't say anymore, because it implies that I once knew. I never knew. I feel like the real me is alone and crying inside, but no one will ever know. No one notices. But its my fault--I play myself up as the "funny fat friend" so that I won't have to explain who I really am--since I don't know. I'm fat because I am afraid of relationships. And I'll never lose weight because I feel that once I became physically attractive, I'd no longer have an excuse for being alone.

They say that everyone feels this way, at least at some point or another, but how can a pain so unique to myself be shared?

Please don't talk to me about this post, this is the bipolar me talking, and I doubt that I will feel this way in the morning.

Which is another thing that pisses me off--I can't stay angry, I can't stay loathing--and it makes me a pushover. My desire for love and respect is so great that I will lie, misrepresent, and apologize in an attempt to appease others. It's disgusting. I get angry with people all the time and I usually restrain myself and try and let it go--try to be Christ-like--but you know what? Screw that. SCREW THAT. I want to be a narrow-minded, passionate, unforgiving individual so that I can really live my life and stop thinking about ANYONE but myself. I want to be a TRUE American.

If I died today, I know people would miss me and cry at my funeral, but what exactly would they miss? The way I try my hardest to please everyone and make people laugh? Everyone has secrets, and so do I. They couldn't remember what went on inside, underneath--because I never tell. I never tell because no one understands, and even if they did understand it, they couldn't help me. I'm between to worlds, hell maybe even three, and they are tearing me apart. I can't stay in the middle much longer or I'll be ripped to shreds.

As I've stated, I will not talk about this because it won't make anymore sense in person than it does written down.

That's all.