Monday, July 30, 2007

Los Angeles, Synchronicity, and other thoughts as I turn 21.

Well, it's here.

I'm officially 21 years around. My frail human form has been carried around that big old sun of ours 21 times, traveling millions of miles through space. I can now no longer pretend that I'm a teenager--I'm an adult. While still and always will be young at heart, I have begun to realize that in just a year, I'll be a full fledged adult. And what can I do about it? Nothing.

Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events which occur in a meaningful manner, but which are causally inexplicable to the person or persons experiencing them."

I have experienced synchronicity this week like no other. When I first arrived in St. George, UT, I tried posting an ad in the "Strictly Platonic" section of the St. George Craigslist. I received two e-mails from this ad, and neither of them ever panned out. In fact, I'd say neither of them ever really got started (though not for lack of trying).

So after this pathetic result, I figured the St. George Craigslist was a dry well, and so I moved on.

But a few weeks ago, I got an idea. "Post an ad advertising a RISK game night". And I kept forgetting to do it. "Besides", I said to myself, "I tried posting on craigslist and it didn't work". But everytime I forgot to do it, the voice in my head kept saying, "post it! post it!". And I did. And I only got one response.

Nick e-mailed me and commented that he was in a similar situation--in St. George working for his aunt, bored and looking for chill friends. We talked on the phone, and on the day of the RISK game, Nick called--he'd been in a small car accident. He was okay, but just was not in the mood to do anything because of it.

I told him I completely understood, and that if I wasn't going to be meeting old friends in Los Angeles and that might be weird or boring for him, I'd invite him to come with me. "I have friends in Hollywood I'd love to go see--let me think about that" To make a long story short, we actually met face to face for the first time when I picked him up at his house friday morning.

So at this point, you might be thinking--"well, Ezra, I think that's a very cool story and kind of dangerous to go on a road trip with someone you hardly know, but where does synchronicity come into play?"

That's the best part. It turns out, his Aunt, (who he's apprenticing) SOLD ME MY 1995 Saturn two months earlier! So I'd actually already been to his house, and he had already driven my car, even though we'd never met!

Wild huh?

Anyway, totally awesome guy. Met his friends in LA who were totally awesome. And now I have a friend here that has TONS in common with me.

Needless to say it was awesome and probably the best birthday present I could get short of a 2 feature directing contract. :) Hahaha that's not that funny.

To wrap this up, LA was amazing. Saw tons of familiar faces, thanks to Thadd W. throwing his own birthday party. Probably saw 20 people I knew, some I hadn't seen face to face in 2 years or so! Basically an all around amazing time. It was a pleasure to see each and every one of you!

I've also found that driving on LA freeways doesn't scare me, but I can see why people find it so intense. It does require a good deal of concentration.

Until next time, God bless, keep the faith, defend your rights, and don't be afraid.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Going Camping

Hey everyone.

Maybe a weekend of camping will be what I need to get out of this funk. I hope so. We're going to Great Basin National Park and will be there for two nights and three days. Should be a good time. I've not been camping in a number of years, so hopefully I won't have become too soft!

Of course, with everything so dry, there'll be no fires, which means no s'mores. :( But it's a small sacrifice to make to save the state of Utah from burning to the ground.

Not sure what we'll do during the day. Probably relax, hike, take pictures, etc.

In other news, it rained yesterday! About 1/8th of an inch or so, but still exciting. However, it's a case of being too little too late, as the Leeds/Silver Reef irrigation pond has run dry. Hasn't run dry in 12 years, which was when they converted from ditch delivery to pipe delivery from the mountains. So now Dad's garden will either die, or he'll have to jury-rig the drip lines to the house's culinary water.

Ah Utah, it's a different world.

Be back on monday, hopefully with pictures, (for those on facebook).

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Why Can't I Love Myself?

Why is it impossible for me to love myself?

Why am I constantly feeling terrible, like a failure, dooming myself before I even begin? In my mind, I know certain things, but my heart, my soul aches and tells me they are false, untrue.

I'm probably just tired from working 80 hour weeks, sleeping in the heat because our air conditioner was broken for a week, and having a terrible diet because I'm working so long and hard that I don't bother to make healthy choices because a.) they are slower and b.) they are more expensive.

I'm still terrified of the fall, when I'm supposed to be producing a film, which will probably be "Maze" even though it'll probably turn out like crap because I haven't been doing any pre-production because I keep hoping I'll come up with a better script, a comedy or something that I'll be proud to show to people. But I don't even know that I have the knowledge to direct. I've never directed before, and I don't have a posse of folks who will work on my film because I have been spending all my time in the TV world.

I'm editing for The Edge with Jake Sasseville, and it's killing me. It's probably a good indication of what being a professional editor will be like, except that a professional editor gets paid and has assistants and producers who log footage, make paper edits. Graphics are already made, there are multiple cameras professionally operated so that the footage is much easier to cut.

I feel like I'm burning myself out on what's supposed to be summer vacation. While many of my friends are working and hanging out with friends in their spare time, I'm just working, because if I wasn't working, I'd be watching TV since I have no friends here.

I'm turning 21, leaving childhood behind for good, and I'm super unhappy about it in a way, because I feel like I'm the same person I was in high school, but all my creativity and energy is dwindling. I feel completely detached from myself, like a zombie.

My internet identity is probably stronger than my real one at this point. I'm probably going to regret making this post at all, because people will start telling me how 'everything will be all right' and all those lies you tell people when you don't know what else to say. I don't want anybody to say anything because I've heard enough. People talk and talk, but talking doesn't heal, it doesn't make you feel better in your heart. I'm not sure what can heal your heart.

Maybe love.

But I don't love myself, and you can't get love from others if you don't love youself first. The spirit is willing to change, but the body is weak.

I want to lose weight, I want to improve my body image, because that's at least 50% of it. I'm unattractive and I know it. I'm a health risk to my own body, sitting at a computer all day working and then getting fast food for lunch. But, you say, Ezra you can change that! You can diet, and exercise and better youself!

Sure I can, and I can lose the only comforts that I have in life? I don't have love, I have a hamburger, and I don't exercise because I don't have time and I hate the way it makes me feel.

But Ezra, if you just do it, you'll start to feel better, you'll start to feel better than you are now!

Sure, but how long? And in the mean time, what do I have to keep my from hanging myself on a piece of electrified barbed wire? Not much.

But Ezra, you have family and friends that love you, they'll help you and support you!

Perhaps. Too bad in just one year, I'll be all on my own in Los Angeles, and it'll be only me telling me what to do. Argh, I know I'll still have friends in LA, but they're not going to be able to motivate me to do things I hate. I'm too stubborn.

So yes, blame me for my shortcomings, I know I do. I'm the one with the power to change, but I hate the process, the process is so painful that I'd rather stay where I am, in familiar territory. Familiarity. I imagine this is the same reason drug addicts, even though they know drugs are destroying their lives, can't change. It's all too scary, all too hard.

Going to church, going to work, editing. Not socialization, no friends, no feelings of self worth or love. I wish I could get my heart to listen to my head.

But I can't. My heart is to broken to be healed by the kind words of my brain.