Thursday, August 23, 2007

Lifting Weights (From My Heart, For My Body, and From My Mind)

I'm hoping that I can lift the burdens that have been weighing me down in my heart, and weighing down my mind.

And in the mean time, to mirror the transformation outside, I am hoping to lift weights to physically change.

If all goes well I'll be a whole new man.

So much has gone through my head this summer. I've ridden the highest highs meeting exciting new people, hiking thrilling trails and traveling to new places, but I've also been dragged through the lowest lows--suicidal thoughts, tears, frustration. Sometimes I swear I'm bipolar.

I've recently learned that while you can't always control what happens to you, you are always in control of how you react. Two people dropped into the exact same situation will learn different lessons, be wounded in different ways, or respond with different emotions.

Patience, love, faith, my friends. I realize how lucky I am that I have all these things in my life, all these people in my life, and all this love in my life. I know sometimes, when my heart is tired, it's hard to feel--but it's always there, and I'm working on recognizing it, capitalizing on it, to become a better man.

I hope I'm not boring you with my positivity drivel--but I've just been learning a lot these last few weeks.

Yesterday, I went out on a limb (for myself) and went weight lifting with my friend Aaron and his friend Patrick at Dixie State University. Normally, I would have made up some excuse not to go, but I realized that I have just as much ability to be successful in a gym as anybody else. So we went, I lifted, I leaned a lot, and now I'm convinced that I want to continue with a program when I return to school. I realized that all I needed was the right attitude and the support of a friend, and I could do it.

We can do anything we want to. The limitations in our lives are all self imposed, and I'm learning how be like Gorbachev--

and tear down [those] wall[s]!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

So Friggin' Glad

I'm so friggin glad that this summer is over. It's been one of the longest and the most lonely. All summer I sought friends and companionship, and for some inexplicable reason (God, The Universe, coincidence) it's only been that last month where I've been able to meet some people and actually have people physically around me to talk to.

Thanks to the couchsurfing project and the internet, friends with free airplane tickets and friends moving here to go to school, I've actually had a respectable social life.

The thing that concerns me the most is that I get depressed when I don't have friends around me. This, to me, indicates that I am measuring my self worth and my happiness based on other people. In other words, without friends, my self worth goes out the window.

I know better than this--but that's just the problem. I KNOW it, intellectually, I DON'T Believe and know it in my heart. I know that I have value and worth because I am a son of God and He loves me the same as everyone else, cracks, chips and all. If I could accept his love into my heart, and really do it, I think it would make a world of difference. Because I have a tendency to such low self image/esteem that I reject any love sent my way, probably even from God himself.

Regardless, I'm a little sad/miffed because several people who I interacted with this summer didn't pan out, and not for lack of trying on my end. I had at least 4 people who I either e-mail back and forth with or actually met that seemed to want friendship with me, but they didn't really want to help it develop. Odd thing is for all but one, they contacted me based on my internet postings.

Sigh. I'm trying to remain positive, but I need to get the hell outta dodge so to speak.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Jumping In

Sometimes life is all about jumping in.

Yesterday was one of the most fun afternoons I've had all summer. I had a couchsurfer, Seth Donald, visit. We walked around silver reef talking, found the grated mine shaft openings from the 19th century mining operation, threw rocks down into the waterfilled mine, and got a great view of the community. Then we went back to the house got some water and talked some more, and I showed him my film two's from Emerson.

My only friend here in Utah, Nick, showed up to join us for a trip to Sand Hollow Reservoir. Let me just say, it was a blast. After doing some small jumps off the rocks near the shore, we all decided to swim out to this island because according to Nick that's where the best places to jump are.

After swimming the 1000 feet or so to the island, we found some pretty cool places to jump, but it was starting to get dark, and so we went in search of the place that was "where everybody jumps" and we found it, just in time. Seth jumped twice, Nick didn't jump at all, and I wasn't going to either, but I knew there was a good chance I'd not have the opportunity again. So before I knew it my feet were leaving the rock, and the fear gripped me and I thought "To late to turn back now!"

I fell, and fell, and screamed and fell.


Probably one of the most physically adrenaline pumping thing I've done in many years--jumping of a 17-20 foot rock into water of undetermined depths.

I can't explain it, but I guess I don't need to. I've never fallen for so long in my life. Your mind is telling you your going to die, but you're okay...

Anyway, we swam back to shore, went home and had some delicious soup made with organic chicken and homegrown organic carrots and vegetables, courtesy of my father. We then watched Seth's film "The White Oath" a short 20 minute film, 3 years in the making, but REALLY impressive. He did just about everything.

The White Oath

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Make sure you watch the whole fight scene. Seth taught himself all the computer stuff necessary to make that work over the course of three years. I'm truly impressed, and I'm sure his name will be appearing on a big budget production in very little time.

Anyway, after the film, Nick went home, it wasn't long till we all went the the Hot Tub to watch the stars and have a relaxing soak. And after that, it was bed time, and we talked until 4 in the morning about just about everthing.

That's what I love about meeting new people--whenever I meet someone really cool for the first time, I talk to them until all hours of the morning because I just connect.

Life is sometimes about looking over the edge, seeing that impossibly high drop, and just jumping in. Your brain might be screaming at you the whole time, calculating the speed of descent, an as a bi-product of years of instinctive evolutionary process, informing you that you're good as dead.

But you're not.

I've come to a personal realization that one can't be afraid. Jump in, and have faith that it'll all work out in the end.

And it will.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

They Should Have A New Name For It

Del Taco on "Taco Tuesday" has 3 tacos for 99 cents. It's an amazing deal.

However, after taking part in 12 tacos, I feel Del Taco should have a more accurate name...

Like "Instant Regret".