I'm so friggin glad that this summer is over. It's been one of the longest and the most lonely. All summer I sought friends and companionship, and for some inexplicable reason (God, The Universe, coincidence) it's only been that last month where I've been able to meet some people and actually have people physically around me to talk to.
Thanks to the couchsurfing project and the internet, friends with free airplane tickets and friends moving here to go to school, I've actually had a respectable social life.
The thing that concerns me the most is that I get depressed when I don't have friends around me. This, to me, indicates that I am measuring my self worth and my happiness based on other people. In other words, without friends, my self worth goes out the window.
I know better than this--but that's just the problem. I KNOW it, intellectually, I DON'T Believe and know it in my heart. I know that I have value and worth because I am a son of God and He loves me the same as everyone else, cracks, chips and all. If I could accept his love into my heart, and really do it, I think it would make a world of difference. Because I have a tendency to such low self image/esteem that I reject any love sent my way, probably even from God himself.
Regardless, I'm a little sad/miffed because several people who I interacted with this summer didn't pan out, and not for lack of trying on my end. I had at least 4 people who I either e-mail back and forth with or actually met that seemed to want friendship with me, but they didn't really want to help it develop. Odd thing is for all but one, they contacted me based on my internet postings.
Sigh. I'm trying to remain positive, but I need to get the hell outta dodge so to speak.