Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Why Can't I Love Myself?

Why is it impossible for me to love myself?

Why am I constantly feeling terrible, like a failure, dooming myself before I even begin? In my mind, I know certain things, but my heart, my soul aches and tells me they are false, untrue.

I'm probably just tired from working 80 hour weeks, sleeping in the heat because our air conditioner was broken for a week, and having a terrible diet because I'm working so long and hard that I don't bother to make healthy choices because a.) they are slower and b.) they are more expensive.

I'm still terrified of the fall, when I'm supposed to be producing a film, which will probably be "Maze" even though it'll probably turn out like crap because I haven't been doing any pre-production because I keep hoping I'll come up with a better script, a comedy or something that I'll be proud to show to people. But I don't even know that I have the knowledge to direct. I've never directed before, and I don't have a posse of folks who will work on my film because I have been spending all my time in the TV world.

I'm editing for The Edge with Jake Sasseville, and it's killing me. It's probably a good indication of what being a professional editor will be like, except that a professional editor gets paid and has assistants and producers who log footage, make paper edits. Graphics are already made, there are multiple cameras professionally operated so that the footage is much easier to cut.

I feel like I'm burning myself out on what's supposed to be summer vacation. While many of my friends are working and hanging out with friends in their spare time, I'm just working, because if I wasn't working, I'd be watching TV since I have no friends here.

I'm turning 21, leaving childhood behind for good, and I'm super unhappy about it in a way, because I feel like I'm the same person I was in high school, but all my creativity and energy is dwindling. I feel completely detached from myself, like a zombie.

My internet identity is probably stronger than my real one at this point. I'm probably going to regret making this post at all, because people will start telling me how 'everything will be all right' and all those lies you tell people when you don't know what else to say. I don't want anybody to say anything because I've heard enough. People talk and talk, but talking doesn't heal, it doesn't make you feel better in your heart. I'm not sure what can heal your heart.

Maybe love.

But I don't love myself, and you can't get love from others if you don't love youself first. The spirit is willing to change, but the body is weak.

I want to lose weight, I want to improve my body image, because that's at least 50% of it. I'm unattractive and I know it. I'm a health risk to my own body, sitting at a computer all day working and then getting fast food for lunch. But, you say, Ezra you can change that! You can diet, and exercise and better youself!

Sure I can, and I can lose the only comforts that I have in life? I don't have love, I have a hamburger, and I don't exercise because I don't have time and I hate the way it makes me feel.

But Ezra, if you just do it, you'll start to feel better, you'll start to feel better than you are now!

Sure, but how long? And in the mean time, what do I have to keep my from hanging myself on a piece of electrified barbed wire? Not much.

But Ezra, you have family and friends that love you, they'll help you and support you!

Perhaps. Too bad in just one year, I'll be all on my own in Los Angeles, and it'll be only me telling me what to do. Argh, I know I'll still have friends in LA, but they're not going to be able to motivate me to do things I hate. I'm too stubborn.

So yes, blame me for my shortcomings, I know I do. I'm the one with the power to change, but I hate the process, the process is so painful that I'd rather stay where I am, in familiar territory. Familiarity. I imagine this is the same reason drug addicts, even though they know drugs are destroying their lives, can't change. It's all too scary, all too hard.

Going to church, going to work, editing. Not socialization, no friends, no feelings of self worth or love. I wish I could get my heart to listen to my head.

But I can't. My heart is to broken to be healed by the kind words of my brain.


David said...

What an awesome post! I can't believe anyone hasn't commented yet.

The thing is isn't really your heart that's broken. Your heart and soul always want happiness. It's your head that gets in the way. Your mind finds things to do thinking to protect, but in the long run only really hurt.

dubby said...

I want you to know how vehemently I disagree with the you-gotta-love-yourself-first mantra. It is not scriptural and, as shown here, it can sometimes do more harm than good. You have a lot of people that love you a lot, but I understand not in the special way you would like.

You have to love others FIRST. Only then can you learn to love yourself, because the love you give to others comes back, and because when you see the love you give to others, you realize that you are lovable as well.

Love is an action verb, a verb of service and charity, one of selflessness. You are a great, deep, guy with a lot to offer and yes, you are loved.

Being lonely is awful. So go brighten up some lives.