Friday, November 18, 2005

I've Come To A Realization...

I've come to a realization that I am miserable because I don't know what I am anymore.

Wait, I shouldn't say anymore, because it implies that I once knew. I never knew. I feel like the real me is alone and crying inside, but no one will ever know. No one notices. But its my fault--I play myself up as the "funny fat friend" so that I won't have to explain who I really am--since I don't know. I'm fat because I am afraid of relationships. And I'll never lose weight because I feel that once I became physically attractive, I'd no longer have an excuse for being alone.

They say that everyone feels this way, at least at some point or another, but how can a pain so unique to myself be shared?

Please don't talk to me about this post, this is the bipolar me talking, and I doubt that I will feel this way in the morning.

Which is another thing that pisses me off--I can't stay angry, I can't stay loathing--and it makes me a pushover. My desire for love and respect is so great that I will lie, misrepresent, and apologize in an attempt to appease others. It's disgusting. I get angry with people all the time and I usually restrain myself and try and let it go--try to be Christ-like--but you know what? Screw that. SCREW THAT. I want to be a narrow-minded, passionate, unforgiving individual so that I can really live my life and stop thinking about ANYONE but myself. I want to be a TRUE American.

If I died today, I know people would miss me and cry at my funeral, but what exactly would they miss? The way I try my hardest to please everyone and make people laugh? Everyone has secrets, and so do I. They couldn't remember what went on inside, underneath--because I never tell. I never tell because no one understands, and even if they did understand it, they couldn't help me. I'm between to worlds, hell maybe even three, and they are tearing me apart. I can't stay in the middle much longer or I'll be ripped to shreds.

As I've stated, I will not talk about this because it won't make anymore sense in person than it does written down.

That's all.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amen!

Anonymous said...

Study Einstein. He will life you up:

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. ~ Albert Einstein

Anonymous said...

I know you said not to response, but I am going to disregard that comment as if you said your were asking for help and guidance.

I don't want to say your issue isn't unique - but I am going to for the sake of conversation.

I am not fat, so I don't have to deal with that, but I, believe it or not - have been in that situation before.

And one Wednesday night, my life changed. I tell you this story now in hopes to give you some encouragement.

After graduating from High School, I decided to throw a party at my house in NH. I wanted to be cool. Sure, I was 'aqaintences' with the cool guys, and the hot girls at school - but not really. I don't know why I decided to have a party, that would make just be more shallow that I already was, playing up my nickname as a different personality, and not just a moniker, so people would like me better. The party - as you know - made pretty big headlines. It was not that I didn't already know it, but it wasn't until all of my "friends" bailed on me in the days to come that I realized none of them really cared. I only had a few of those friends. True friends. (I'd like to think of you as one of these friends - which is why I am writing this)

It was that weekend, June 26, 2004 - a Sunday, when I wrote the first draft of my famous "Rules". Remember rule #1?

The following week, the 1st of July - my Dad wanted me to go and paint my house in NH, as a favor for him letting me throw the party, regardless of the way it ended. Not a single person of the 20 I asked would help me with the project. I painted that house, alone for two days. Much thinking and soul searching was done on top of that ladder. As it was one of the darkest times of my life.

The second night of painting, the Wednesday night when my life changed, I layed down and closed my eyes, and just cried to God. It was a release, and an emphiany. I knew what I had to do, and how I had to live. I had to be happy, but only for myself, and no one else.

Take care of yourself, be selfish, but don't stop thinking about the feelings of others. Above all - only do what makes you happy. Never do the opposite.

You, my good friend - are Ezra Horne. Accept yourself, or accept that you want to change. Then do it. Be happy, and the rest will fall into place.

I do not know if these words will encourage you at all, or help you in your confusion, but rest assured - there is a true idenity to yourself, you just have to close your eyes, and realize it.

Godspeed sir.