Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I'm Going to Go Insane

I'm sitting in Master Control again, on the third floor of the good 'ole Ansin building, masking sure that the friggin' channel airs the friggin programming.

I'm going to go crazy.

After having been out to quiet and peaceful Leeds, Utah, I've realized just how friggin' loud and noisy the humming of all this equipment. It's like this headache-inducing drone is out of control. Seriously, it's like something is squeezing around my spine tighter and tighter and tighter. Argh.

Anyway, I'm back in the grindstone. And I wonder, like I always do--is this really what I want to do with my life? I don't seem to be feeling very passionate, feeling pretty content to sit and watch TV with my friends instead of getting work done and making media of my own.

The thing that scares me is that even if I did not like it here, I bet I wouldn't leave, because I'm not a quitter, and to me that would be giving up. But I was thinking about it, and I don't know if I'm all that keen on moving out to LA and getting involved in that nonsense. Part of me wants to have a simple life, too. I don't need to make a lot of money, I could probably have a great time and be satisfied in life doing some job that earns me respect within my community, where I can help others. I dunno--try not to read into this to much, I just have verbal diarreha.

I'm watching Good Morning Emerson out of the corner of my eye, and it's really weird. As I watch, I feel like I'm watching actors. Arguably, all newsanchors are actors in a way, but even the guests are acting. It's as if they are behaving the way they've seen other guests behave on TV--speaking in the same tone, sitting the same way, answering the same questions. The anchors too! It's as if they are all emulating previous anchors on TV in an incestuous cyclical loop, feeding back into itself. Why can't people on TV be people? Why must we make them different, even superior? We are in America--you have the same opportunies, and you can be whoever you want... I just don't see why I would choose to behave like Dan Rather just because I'm on TV.

Nevermind. It's kinda a moot point anyway. That's probably one of the reasons that I am not so keen on television in the long run. It is "a vast wasteland" (Newton Minnow, to the National Association of Broadcasters on May 9, 1961).

I just had an issue with the Good Morning Emerson Re-Air at 9:30am. It didn't work, because it had routed powerpoint to the player again. It pisses me off. I try really hard, I'm here for a reason, to keep the program for getting screwed up and not airing. But the more times it screws up the less I'm sure people think of my abilities to moniter a couple of friggin' variables.

This day has started out pretty crappy.

6 comments:

Charles said...

Don't get too down...we all go through those phases thinking that we're not doing what we want to be doing, and that it would be much easier to just sit down with friends and watch TV or hang out, but usually those troughs quickly vanish when school work is at a max. I just got over my little slump and that's only because of the 2 group projects, 8 page essay, and newly found job are bogging me down. Hope it gets better, and just look at the bright side...it's almost (2 months) summertime!

Anonymous said...

It always interesting to get a different slant on what you are doing. As you say, perhaps you don't want to get mixed up in that 'LA Nonsense'- that you don't need a lot to be happy. You can do other things with this kind of education than go to LA and produce meaningless crap.
Just because you are feeling this way today, doen't mean you'll feel this way tomorrow, and meanwhile explore what you really want in your life. Cigerettes and Alcohol? Drugs and Sex? Keeping up with the Jones? It's your Thang -Do What YOU Wanna do. Be you, be whatever suits you. Take some time and thing about it, there are lots of options. Teaching, working at a small tv station, or movie company.
You are smart and can do what ever it is you put your hand to.

Anonymous said...

"It's as if they are behaving the way they've seen other guests behave on TV--speaking in the same tone, sitting the same way, answering the same questions. The anchors too! It's as if they are all emulating previous anchors on TV in an incestuous cyclical loop, feeding back into itself."

Hey Ezra, you really cut to the point!! I feel the same way (even I haven't watched Emerson TV once!) I only saw their set in the studio then I know it's that sort of thing (like what you describe).

I would say a lot of students here are so eager to embrace the industry (which makes sense), but fail to do it beautifully and creatively, most of all, fail to produce something in deeper level...

Sam

Anonymous said...

"It's as if they are behaving the way they've seen other guests behave on TV--speaking in the same tone, sitting the same way, answering the same questions. The anchors too! It's as if they are all emulating previous anchors on TV in an incestuous cyclical loop, feeding back into itself."

Hey Ezra, you really cut to the point!! I feel the same way (even I haven't watched Emerson TV once!) I only saw their set in the studio then I know it's that sort of thing (like what you describe).

I would say a lot of students here are so eager to embrace the industry (which makes sense), but fail to do it beautifully and creatively, most of all, fail to produce something in deeper level...

Sam

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