Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I Could Use Your Prayers

So in the last week or so I have wanted to cry or come close to crying many times because of the state I've been in.

I worked a 9 day stretch at the North Face in Freeport. It started okay, but after day five I began to suffer, and really began to notice the sorness in my throat and my low energy.

But Thursday I picked up my Brother David and we drove to Laconia, NH to spend some time at Jon's Weirs Beach House. However, to make a long story short, I got even worse, restlessly sleeping and hacking and coughing in the night. My head filled with fluid at one point and made all sound seem as if it were coming from another room through a wall.

I had fun, but I didn't get to participate and do as many things as I would have done if I hadn't gotten sick.

So then when I went home, I had to go to work the next day, and because of scheduling requests already made, I felt that I really couldn't call in sick. So I went, and managed, but I was still at work, sick.

Then after work, I drove to Portland to pick up my sister so that she and I could meet up with the rest of my family (Mom, Katie, David and Grandma) at Margarita's Mexican Restaurant in Lewiston. While there I saw my mom and my sister Katie for the first time in more than 6 months. The whole group had not been together like this for over 2 years, when I graduated from high school. It was so happy and I was so glad to see everyone, but it made me so sad because I know that it was so short and the time that we have with the people we care about is so short.

So David flew home to Utah today, and Tanner moved out and down to Buxton last weekend, so I feel really alone right now, and really sick, on one of the hottest nights in the year (it's 91 in my room right now, and very humid). And tommorow I have to get up early (6-6:30am) so I can drive to Rockland, ME to work a 12 hour day in a concession stand on a hot day while I will undoubtedly still be sick.

And then I'll get to sleep on an air matteress in a pop up trailer and repeat that action. FOR FIVE DAYS.

So I feel like crying and I feel sick to my stomach thinking about the next month and how tiring and stressful it will be. Please pray for me. I need it. I need it so badly I can feel tears welling up just thinking about how many prayers I need.

Katie saved all her change for over three months to give to me for my birthday for college. As I started to count it out today I began to cry as I thought about how much my family loves me and supports me and is counting on me to succeed. What if I let those people down? What if I already have let them down with all of my shortcoming and failings? I'm reminded of the story about the Widow who came to the temple and gave her 'mite' in donation. Others laughed at her because it was such a small, worthless amount. But Jesus said that her donation was the greatest of all because it was everything she had. I know katie didn't give me all of her money, but it adds up. She doesn't have a job like I do, and she too will have need of money for college in short order... so why give it to me?

Because she loves me and she believes in me.

I feel like everyone around me believes in me and sees me succeeding beyond my dreams... execpt for me. I don't see it. I still doubt, fear, and block those people, telling myself that they don't know what they are talking about and that I am doomed to fail.

Please pray for me. I could use those prayers tonight. Maybe I should pray, too. It's been a while since I had a meaningful talk with God.

I hope he still has a line open for me.


katier said...

I love you and I'll keep you in my prayers. I know you can do wonderful things...you're awesome Ezra!

dubby said...

Actually, LOTS of people love you AND your family..... I have NEVER heard a breath of complaint about you letting anyone down ever! We are all proud of you, nothing less.

David said...

I love you too!
I wish I could have done more for you while I was there. Even though you were sick most of the time it was really great spending time with you. Even just driving to NH & back.
As for letting you down, I won't say that you can. But I don't care if your a famous movie mogul or fabulously rich I just care that your my brother. The thing that would be the biggest disappointment would be to see you unhappy trying to live up to someone else's expectations.
I've pretty much always assumed that line is always open, no matter what we do or don't do. And my cell phone is working again so that line is definitely open for you.

Voyageur Poetique said...

As the previous comments have eluded to - its all in your head, snap out of it!