I've Made A Decision

I've made a decision.

I'm not going to live by "The Rules". I'm done letting other people deceide the things that I should or should not do. I've made a list, adapting "The Rules" of my friend Jon. I like them, and I will try to make a better effort to live by them.

20 Tips For Ezra To Live A More Fullfilling Life

1. Everyone Has Your Trust Until They Lose It
2. Get The Facts Straight
3. Don't Hesitate To Do What Is Right
4. Always Stand Up For What You Believe/Know Is Right
5. Believe In Yourself
6. Give The People What They Want--As Long As You Maintain Your Integrety
7. Take Nothing And No One For Granted
8. Hope For The Best, Plan For The Worst
9. Do Unto Others, As You Would Have Done To You
10. Enjoy Life
11. Don't Be Too Proud To Ask For Help
12. Do Your Best
13. Listen To The Promptings Of The Spirit/Your Conscience
14. Good Advice Is Worth Taking, BUT
15. You Are The Best Person To Determine Your Future
16. Never Bet More Than You Can Afford To Lose
17. Google It
18. Bathe Regularly And Use Soap
19. Love One Another
20. Trust In God, Whatever You Percieve Him To Be, That He Will Provide A Way

I feel good. I'm tired, and I'm worried about life, but it feels good to have what I've known in my head to be true all along down on paper.

Goodnight, God Bless.

Kickin' Screamin' All The Way, (and other such things)

I’m kickin’ screamin’ all the way. The lyrics to the Shapiro song adequately describe my current situation. I got the 1987 Toyota Truck’s fuel pump replaced. It’s the third time in one year. Awesome. It also was inspected and fortunately it passed. The whole ordeal cost 194 dollars and change. It frustrates me so. Let me recap. Last January the fuel pump was leaking and so I had it replaced so that it would pass inspection. Then this summer, while I was driving out of Portland headed south to visit a friend, it just died. So now I am mega annoyed because I had to shell out another 200 dollars for a THIRD PUMP. Fortunately my mother and grandmother are generous and understanding and footed the bill this time. This means that I can actually use the money that my Grandma gave me for Christmas to buy something for myself.

I was thinking about getting a gig of ram for my computer, or maybe trying for a flat-screen monitor. But since I have a crappy video card, I’ll probably go with the ram, since I currently only have 512MB.

Back to the pickup for a minute. Something else is wrong now! I was driving it and it hesitates and chokes when accelerating and often dies when slowing down or idling. Or it just chokes and wheezes. I think that they got me a sub-par fuel pump that is not providing adequate pressure for the gas, and therefore failing. I’m dreading the fact that I have to call Midas and tell them this and in a way I hope its something that they did so that they will fix it.

Okay, on to a topic that is less technological and boring and frustrating. My dad is working on a pilot to a show, and I have been trying to brainstorm and help with ideas, but I haven’t really been putting the time into it that I should. I’m really hoping that this takes of because if it does, then I might be able to go out to Utah this summer and help him shoot the other episodes (this is of course assuming that someone finances the show).

I’m going to be in Harrisonburg until the 14th-17th (I don’t know exactly when it will be because my airline went bankrupt on the second. Which is another awesome slap in the face since I will not be able to get any money back on the 70-dollar ticket. AWESOME.

Since I will be in Harrisonburg, I would like to visit with people, but as I have a deathly fear of my truck now (because I think it still has something else wrong with it) I don’t know how I am supposed to do that.  Let me know if you wanna hang out.

What else is new? I feel like making a really long update since I have not done so in quite some time.

Also, I’m working on writing a pilot for a sitcom that I will be working on with Adam Ginivisian, comedic extraordinaire.

I guess that should do it for this post. I really need an alphasmart like the older “Alphasmart Pro” that I am using now that I got for my sister some time ago. I like it because for some reason I prefer to write on it, sitting on a comfortable couch, then say, sitting at a computer. The other reason I like using an Alphasmart to type is that there are no distractions. No doodling in a notebook, no surfing the internet like on a laptop. Just typing. That’s all you can o, and that’s why it rules.

Goodnight Cleveland!

Untitled

I feel alone.

I am alone right now, but I feel alone, often times even when I am pyhsicaly with other people.

No self pity, I should be happy at how blessed I am and how easily things work out for me. As I think about it, I am rarely told no, and rarely cannot do what I set out to accomplish.

So why is it that I can't seem to make a decision, to figure things out? I have so many questions and I can't seem to find an answer to any of them. For example, I don't have anything more than a general goal of what I am supposed to do with myself once I graduate. This is only a question know because I need to decide where I want to focus. But I am afraid that I am so far in that if I change I'll be so far behind. I really really miss singing, and acting, and directing, and making movies with friends.

But am I doing anything about it? No. Am I inspired the way that I used to be? No. Can I even think straight? No.

I spoke to my old friend Dooley today, and he is trying to become a working actor. He's brave. I love acting. Maybe I would be thinking about how stupid I was for not going into film if I were in acting. I don't know.

Whatever, I need to go. Have a happy new year.

I'm Done! Serve Me Up!

So the title of this posts has a duel meaning, because not only am I done with the semester, having officially taken my last final, but I also got "served" with jury duty for Valentines day, (Feb 14th). I am actually pretty excited about the change to be serving on a jury. I doubt I will be picked however, since they usually only like to pick people that they can manipulate.

Oh well.

I'm driving home to Virginia tommorow morning, and I should get in to Harrisonburg late that night. Please pray that the truck will make it and good weather will prevail.

Yours,

Ezra Horne

Film One Final In The Can

Well, the film one final is finally in the can. After coming up with my idea on Wednesday afternoon, storyboarding that night, chilling out ot Thanksgiving and then filming on Friday and Saturday for a total of about six hours and three rolls of film (about 7 minutes worth of film)

And here comes the headache...

(I am willing to bet that my brother is the only one who will get that movie reference--let me know if anyone gets it)

Anyway, I am so nervous that I will have shot something wrong or forgotten a crucial shot or peice of audio and then I will have to settle because I shot it Maine and cannot re-shoot. I am praying that it will come together well. To be honest, I am not worried about the grade that I will get, its just that I am competative, and Emerson is a school full of talented people. I would love to be able to say that my film was one of the best... but I don't know. We'll see what happens.

Anyways, I just wanted to thank Tanner for all his help and all the good times that we've been having this week... it's one of the most relaxed and fun weeks I've had since summertime.

On Friday, Tanner and I went and saw the movie "RENT" and it was awesome. I really liked it from both a cinematography/filmmaking prespective (I love the opening song sequence) but also from the musical and theatrical perspective. The movie was awesome and it made me cry. Tanner and I were speculating about when if ever another musical with such a relevant message will be made. I doubt it.

I loved the message of the film, which is summed up by some key lines: "We're not dying from disease, we're living with it" "in America...you're what you own" (pointing out the irony of the American way of life) "I'd be happy to die for a taste of what angel had...someone who'd say 'I love you'" Basically it makes you love all the characters, in spite of their flaws and makes you feel so distressed when this aweful disease, AIDS affects their lives, and how they live on in spite of all the pain that they could be focusing on... and they still are all good individuals.

Well, I didn't mean to go on a diatribe, but the movie really touched me, and now I really want to see it again on Broadway (and again on film, too)

Oh another funny thing was that we went to see the movie right after Tanner and I had finished filming at the Fort near Portland Head Light in Cape Elizabeth, ME, and in the movie, Mark the filmmaker uses a Bolex 16mm camera, the same film camera that we had just been filming with. It was just really cool.

I head back to Boston tommorow on the 6:40 Downeaster Train. I'm basically all packed, and ready to go. I have had such a great week, and I felt like I'd wrap it up with this post...

And by the way, I am terrified of the next three weeks. It is literally going to be like hitting the ground running--and not stopping until December 20th.

But at least there are only 3 weeks of school before break! I'll try to be better about posting, but I am not going to promise on things which I cannot deliver. So there.

Thanksgiving...and all that that implies

No, I'm not going to create a ginormous list of things that I am thankful for. I am going to tell you about why this is quickly becoming one of the most stressful Thanksgivings that I can remember.

I cam to Maine for break so that I could do several things--see old friends, (Tanner, Jake, Maxx,) visit with my sister, check up on my truck, and make sure it will be ready for the trek to VA in--wow--three weeks.

But so far, I have really only done one thing--get screwed and waste money. It's snowing, so I haven't been able to get any filming done, or deal with my car. The roads are so slick right now that inexperienced ol' me doesn't want to risk driving too and from Portland TWICE (that's 4 one-ways) in order to get both my truck and Sarah's car to Portland for winter storage. It's not as if I had much of a choice, because I could barely keep the truck on the road, (its very light and its is rear wheel drive.) Sarahs car was not much better, but I've got to get down to Portland tonight to spend the night at Sarah's and hang out with her before I drop her off at the airport at 8am on Friday. That all being said, I'm worried that I'm not going to get my film done in time, that I won't get my paper done, that I'll slip off the road and get into a terrible accident and not die (no, that would be too convienient) but instead have to deal with all the expenses that would occur as a result of that accident for the rest of my life (I'm a teenage male driver, remember)

But I'm thankful for my family and friends who support me in all the ways that they know how, and I'm thankful that I have a warm place to sleep in and a semi-reliable source of transportation to drive. I love the snow and it is beautiful, but I pray that it will stop snowing and be beautiful on Friday so that I can get my filming done. I also pray that when I drive to Portland tonight, it will be as safely as possible and that I will not get into an accident.

I am going to Maxx Hacket's house soon to imbibe myself with turkey before passing out in a stuper induced by the stress of it all and the fact that my stomach is working overtime to process all of the food I've consumed. Oh well.

And by the way--WAL-MART AND MCDONALDS ARE LIARS! The only bastion of truth in this town is Denny's the only truly 24 hour a day, 7 days a week establishment in town. McDonalds and Wal-mart CLOSED last night! Tanner and I were forced to eat at Denny's by default!

Whatever, enjoy your bird, wish me luck/pray for me, whichever is your style.

I've Come To A Realization...

I've come to a realization that I am miserable because I don't know what I am anymore.

Wait, I shouldn't say anymore, because it implies that I once knew. I never knew. I feel like the real me is alone and crying inside, but no one will ever know. No one notices. But its my fault--I play myself up as the "funny fat friend" so that I won't have to explain who I really am--since I don't know. I'm fat because I am afraid of relationships. And I'll never lose weight because I feel that once I became physically attractive, I'd no longer have an excuse for being alone.

They say that everyone feels this way, at least at some point or another, but how can a pain so unique to myself be shared?

Please don't talk to me about this post, this is the bipolar me talking, and I doubt that I will feel this way in the morning.

Which is another thing that pisses me off--I can't stay angry, I can't stay loathing--and it makes me a pushover. My desire for love and respect is so great that I will lie, misrepresent, and apologize in an attempt to appease others. It's disgusting. I get angry with people all the time and I usually restrain myself and try and let it go--try to be Christ-like--but you know what? Screw that. SCREW THAT. I want to be a narrow-minded, passionate, unforgiving individual so that I can really live my life and stop thinking about ANYONE but myself. I want to be a TRUE American.

If I died today, I know people would miss me and cry at my funeral, but what exactly would they miss? The way I try my hardest to please everyone and make people laugh? Everyone has secrets, and so do I. They couldn't remember what went on inside, underneath--because I never tell. I never tell because no one understands, and even if they did understand it, they couldn't help me. I'm between to worlds, hell maybe even three, and they are tearing me apart. I can't stay in the middle much longer or I'll be ripped to shreds.

As I've stated, I will not talk about this because it won't make anymore sense in person than it does written down.

That's all.